Dependance

I sit here at work, new year's eve, and I'm recovering from a bout of anger, and I think I may have come to a slight epiphany. Gotta love the epiphany.

You see, my lovely wife has been down south with her family for a while, and as the clock clicks closer to four AM, here I sit without a single telephone call to wish me a happy new year. Now, I can't think of a single husband I know involved in a good relation ship that this would not piss off. Mind you, I'm a sensitive to my own reactions, and I know that likely, she's just Passed the Fuck out somewhere.

Still though, the fact that the bond her and I share has me going though a process, that I admittedly acknowledge as being irrational, is interesting. How can this bond hold such power over a person, to the point of defeating better judgment? I think it all comes down to one truth: Vulnerability.

To care for something is to invest a part of yourself into it, and therefore, making yourself dependant on that thing. As humans, we can't help but define ourselves. It can be as big as "I'm a christian" or "I'm a lawyer" to something simple like "I like cheese cake." But by doing that, we hinge a part of ourselves, no matter how small, on that object. We become dependent.

Now, Buddha will tell you that attachment to material objects is the mind killer, and Pearls will tell you that defining one's self robs you of the flexibility of ego that can let you truly react to the moment. But the question I ask is, are these goals truly obtainable? More than that, are they actually desirable?

Ever since college, I've lived by a kinda gestalt philosophy saying that to do anything other than to live in the moment, and to do what is needed at that moment robs you of self. It's a rational way of life, where you don't really get all that worked up over much of anything, because you see the truth that all things are transitory and eventually the pendulum will swing back around again. It can't rain everyday, after all. However, I find myself thinking more and more that this lifestyle, no matter how much it's given me in terms of saved headaches and pissy little things, has robbed me of emotional extremes. I'm never EXTREMELY happy, or CRUSHINGLY sad. There just aren’t' any extremes anymore.

Because I've given up these things, I feel like I've lost a bit of what most people have. The real question is, if we give up more of these dependencies, what would that make us?

Just the rambling thoughts of a therapist/slacker/nightshifter/giant/husband/roleplayer/friend/son.

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