It's been a long time since I've updated this thing...

For a long time, things were going pretty dencently, things were pretty normal.  I like it when life is normal and simple.  However, about a month ago, I got laid off.  Apparently my old job was getting rid of all the night shifters, and I was one of the ones who was there the longest (and thus, the highest paid) so I got the ax.

Flash forward to a month from then, and you've got a big man who's got zero money, no ACTUAL job prospects, and who's just about out of spiritual gasoline.  I've had to break down and get a job at a friggin' telemarketing company to pay some bills.  There aren't any postions for a drug counselor therapist in the area, and my current therapy gig barely keeps me busy for ten hours a week. 

I've just about run out of steam.  I wake up in the morning and feel like a worthless loaf.  I know  that technicaly one can choose their outlook in a set of circumstances, and that it's up to YOU how you feel... but I just feel like atlas, who's been holding up that globe for so long.  I dunno if you've all noticed this or not, but atlas is ripped.  I am not.


Lately, I just feel like I can't do this anymore.   My counseling gig, something I used to really enjoy, has been taken over by a really rules-stickler type of gal who is just gonna make my life hell.  My old mentor has retired, and while her and I had a very closer connection, this woman just sort of talks "though" you intend of too you.

A-Kon is this weekend, and I'm worried that I'm gonna be so pre-occupied with worrying about all of this, that I won't even be able to even enjoy it with all this weight. 

I've reached a point where my wife is constantly busy, and all the friends I had in the real world have moved away to better things.   Last time I reached this point in life, I moved towns and started over.  That's not an option anymore.  I love my wife, but I just feel like I can't really reach out to her.  I can't overburden her with all this drek.

I'd love to just have some friends again I could do and RP with or just watch movies.  Why does it feel like those days are days of the past? 

Just venting here... I know noone is likely to read this, but I've gotta tell someone.

Alright, so I Erika got me a new fishtank the other day.  Apparently, having a alge-eater, an AwsomeBetta, two tetras, and a minature red-clawed crab in a one and a half gallon tank with half a dozend live plants is a little too much.  

So anyway, now I'm up to about five gallons, with the above mentioned fish, Plus to more tetras, and minus the alge eater (I guess he couldn't handle the tank-change.)

Do any of you out there have any suggestions for good fishtypes I needa get?  I was thinkign of some type of catfish or other bottom feeder to keep the friggin bottom of the tank clean.  The tetras waste a LOT of food, and the crab and only eat so much.

Alright, time for a massive WFT moment.

I go to bed last night, fed my fish, it was a normal night... when I woke up, I look over to my little gallon and a half fish tank... and I blink.  The little food ring I keep floating on the top of the water (so my retarded fish knows where his food is) is sitting on the bottom.  I examine it again, and there is NO WATER in my tank.   I feel around on the carpet, and lo, there is no water.   It's just VANISHED.  Stranger still, I examine the tank carefully, and the water lily I've grown in there Hasn't collapsed.  that plan is very weak, and the leaves can basically do their best to just float (lily-pads).   it's like it all evaporated INSTANTLY.

it's like someone just STOLE my fish's water, but left everything else.  How the FUCK does this happen?

Do you ever just put your hand in your fish tank just to give your fish an opperiunity to think you are God?


I do.

I saw it on a bill board on my way home this afternoon.  I know our culture is doomed by the simple fact that the new boost moble slogon is

<b>"Where you ats"</b>

And here foolish little me though that there old slogan <i> Where you at? </i> was as bad as it could get... but they managed to break ANOTHER rule of grammer in a three word statment.

If anyone needs me, I'll be trying to hide under my bed.

am

Ladies and Gentlemen -

To whom it may concern, I am now an even bigger dork by joining the ranks of those of you who own both a PSP and a DS. 

Do any of you have any advice on MUST HAVES for this little black marvle? 

I've already gotten a copy of FFT, the Serenity UMD, and an old-style AV cable (seeing as how I bought a slim).

Feel bored?  Feel like reading up on something really interesting that you can lord over your friends for them NOT knowing and you knowing?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_rain_in_Kerala
http://www.earthfiles.com/news.php?ID=1337&category=Environment

Red rain.  Neat shit.

My wife is constantly busy.  My best friends are either constalty busy with school, or drifting so far away, you can't even see them on the radar anymore.

What do you do when things just get lonely?  When you spend far more time alone than you do around others?  When you don't even have online friends anymore?

I took the little quiz over at  http://www.thehaws.org/add_quiz.shtml  And I have to say that I'm pretty impressed with myself.

If I were a DnD charecter, I'd look a lot like this...
Str 15
Int 13
Wis 15
Dex 14
Con 10
Cha 16

And if you ask me, that ain't much to scoff at.

Main Entry:

en·tro·py 

Pronunciation:

\ˈen-trə-pē\

Function:

noun

Inflected Form(s):

plural en·tro·pies

I don't think it's right to say it was a dream.  The only thing that last night's event had in common with a dream is that it started when I was asleep... it's confusing.

I woke up this afternoon after having gone to sleep.  I was lying on my back and looking up.  The first thing I noticed was there seemed to be about five or so shadows circling me on the edge of my vision.  Not even like they were being cast by something, just kinda five or so little clouds of darkness.   It was then that I looked up and noticed there was a large mass of shadows sitting right on my chest.

It was that point I realized I couldn't move.  Immedately after I realized I coudln't move, I realized I couldn't breathe.  I tried to flail and thrash, and I couldnt' move an inch.  I tried to scream out, and all that came out was a tiny little "help"  that sounded like it might have come from a child.

It felt like it may have been an hour, or a few seconds, but eventualy they went away and I gasped for air.  I looked over at the clock and it read 12:10.   I sat there trying to figure out what had happened for a few minutes...and then I fell asleep.

Was that a dream?  Was it real?  If it WAS real, what the fuck was it?

I've come to a realization.  When most people have nightmares, they dream of terrifying things like flying sharks that shoot blood-beams out of their gills and have razor-sharp eyes...

When I have nightmares, I see nothing so terrifying.  When dream horrible dreams, I am alone.  All the people I care about turn their backs on me and I'm alone. 

I dream that I'm forced to face the world without anyone by my side.   I'm not ashamed to admit I often wake up crying because of it.

Many of you know, I am currently posessed of the delusion that my night job is haunted.  If you read over my journal, you'll find me talking about the coughing I hear late at night, the flashes of  a man in a blue shirt in the large window-wall in the dining hall, and the strange shadows I've seen creeping across the floors.

Tonight, I saw something that genuinely brought gooseflesh to my arms.

I was walking though the dining hall, turning on the lights and starting the coffee machine as usual, and I walked by the Serenity room, a small little study-like nook with a fireplace that the clients often frequent in the winter.  now, for the record, this is the room that I've seen, by far, the most activity in.  Anyhow, I walked by the little serenity room, and, out of the corner of my eye, I could have swore I saw the face of a man with a black beard reflected in the lower left hand corner one of the large windows.  Now, i'm the first to admit, this coudl have easily been a trick of the light, or just a coincidince of dust and leaves.  So, to see if it was jsut me, I went back to the place most of us who work here are, the nurse's station.  I retrived the nurse on call, and asked her to come see what I saw.  I didn't tell her at first, as to not spoil her perception of the image.

When we arrived at the Serenity room... the blinds were closed.   Very large verticle cuirtan-like blinds.   Dark green.   There was no way I saw a reflection in this non-reflected cloth, and ALL the ways in, or out, were locked up tight, with myself holding the only key.

Creeped me right the fuck out. 

I know you've all seen them at Wal-Mart or Albertsons, or whatever chain-grocerty store is installed in your town.  They are usually a bank of four to twelve checkout lanes that are manned by one guy... where you scan and pay for your purchases on your own.   The idea behind these is that they are supposed to be quicker, and alliviate congestion.

Now, I'm sorry, but every time I see massive lines at the grocery store... I always see about twenty EMPTY lanes that no one is using. 

I'm supposed to use these robot-lanes so I can get out of this store with my cans of chicken soup in under an hour.   However, I noticed that only ONE person is running these things.   That means they had to fire HUMAN employees to install these robots.  Not only did they fire living-breathing humans (with families and bills), but I (the consumer) am supposed to do MORE work and simply help them Ax people?

This is the most flagrant example of bullshit I've seen in ages.

Now, on a simple level, if I do more work, I should expect to see something on my end.  The store should be ASSUMED to provide me with realistic checkout times.  If I ended up getting a discount on my bill because some poor little checker got fired, that that MIGHT be ok... but I always end up with the same bill. 

Do they really expect us to take this?  

And yet I see people waiting in line to play with the irritating robot checkers

Have you ever looked to the scenery you drive by every day, and see something completely new?  Something you drive by EVERY day and it's obviously not new construction, yet you are totaly shocked by it?

Have you ever thought that there's a chance that we slip between dimensions every now and then, dimensions that are almost exactly like ours, but in tiny ways?  Perhaps we do this all the time, slipping to SLIGHTY different dimensions.  Perhaps this is why some of us always have this feeling of being slightly off, on why things don't always connect.

Things have seemed overtly confusing for me most of my life.  The strange thing is... I'm confused by things, and I'm pretty sure I've always had a pretty good handle on life.  OTHER people seem even more confused than I, and yet they proj on.

Perhaps it's impossible to ever get too good a grip on reality, because reality itself keeps shifting on us?


Just an errant thought of a strange man in traffic.
am

Fancy yourself a writer?  Go look at http://www.400words.com/  Interesting.

Why don't the Child Porn-a-philes just keep their images on one of these little bastards?
http://www.thinkgeek.com/gadgets/security/99f1/


You can thank me later, child-porn-community.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about social dynamics in my own life. 

Watching how people interact with each other has always been a hobby of mine, and in a lot of ways, it's not my profession.  However, it's how this all relates to me that I've begun to see lately.

For me, maintaining a sense of "being ok on my own"  and "being part of a group" is a really delicate balancing act.  Since high school, it's been very difficult to keep this equalibrium.  For the most part, I've failed.  I never quite feel like I'm comfortable where I'm at in life.  I always feel either overwhelmed or lonely.

This sort of social imbalance kinda spins the rest of my life all out of balance.

For a little while before school started, things where great.  I was hanging out with Erika and her clique, and things were great.  We got to socialize, have fun, and decompress.  However, now everyone is back in school, they are all far too busy to ever do anything.  I miss being able to sit around and make fun of shitty movies, roleplaying, or just having fun.  It's not the same with the phantom people that dont' really exist over the internet...

Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned. - Buddha